


Not the Formless Being

by shealynn88



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Body Dysphoria, Dean is confused, Established Relationship, M/M, Oral Sex, non-binary Cas, porn with emotions
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-19
Updated: 2020-01-19
Packaged: 2021-02-27 04:02:45
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,146
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22320757
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/shealynn88/pseuds/shealynn88
Summary: Cas asks Dean a favor, and Dean struggles to understand.
Relationships: Castiel/Dean Winchester
Comments: 26
Kudos: 82





	Not the Formless Being

**Author's Note:**

> Enormous, endless thanks to [sharkfish](https://archiveofourown.org/users/sharkfish) who read this over for me to make sure I wasn't making a complete hash of this. <3
> 
> Also, the title is from the song "Not" by Big Thief, and I recommend them ENDLESSLY, they're amazing.

Dean’s got his hand on Cas’s dick and his mouth on his pulse when Cas whispers something that makes him pull back.

“You want me to call it - what?” Dean asks, brow furrowed.

Cas sighs. “Dean, don’t - it’s a bad time. Don’t worry about it, it’s not a big deal.”

“No! I know! Of course it’s not a big deal. Either way.” He lets go and steps back. “I guess I just don’t...like, have I been doing it wrong, man? All this time?”

Cas sighs again, looking considerably less sure of himself. “That’s just the thing, Dean. I’m not a ‘man.’” He uses air quotes like a fucking nerd. “I’m not _this_.” He points down in frustration. “I’m in this body but it’s not _me_ , and I’ve been in other bodies and my angelic form is light and wings and huge and has no gender and no genitals. I’m...not _this_. And I know you haven’t seen it, you _can’t_ , and I understand it doesn’t make sense, but if you could...I think it could help me feel more...like myself. You haven’t been doing anything wrong. Please don’t...this isn’t about you, Dean.”

Dean swallows. Okay. Not about him. Don’t make it about him. But it _feels_ like it’s about him. “Shit, dude,” he says, unthinking. “ _Fuck_.” He looks up suddenly. “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t call you that, right? Like, should I call you...girl things?”

Cas closes his eyes like he’s reminding himself that Dean is tiny and clueless, and _fuck_ Dean is so out of his depth.

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry! I know I’m being stupid about this. Just...I mean, look. I want to make you feel good, okay? However that works. I just don’t understand why - how…?”

“Would it be easier if I asked you to say 'particle wave'?” Cas arches an eyebrow. 

Dean grimaces before he can stop himself, then shakes his head. “Sorry, sorry, I didn’t mean that. Whatever works for you, man - fuck! See? I’m garbage at this, I really can’t - maybe you should find someone else, I can’t even remember -”

Cas stops him with a kiss. “Dean.”

Dean takes a deep breath. He was maybe starting to panic, just then. “Yeah?”

“I don’t want to be with someone else. It’s fine, we don’t have to do this if you don’t want to.”

“No,” Dean says firmly. “No, I _want_ to do this for you.” He leans in and kisses Cas’s neck. “Can I lick your clit, babe?”

Cas’s breath hitches, and it’s the most beautiful sound in the world. “Thank you, Dean,” he says.

 _He?_ Dean wonders. 

And then he kneels. Cas is half hard, and big, and Dean has had him in his mouth so many times but this is _different_ , and he wants to make it feel right. The way maybe Cas felt in his other forms, those other times when he wore someone with a different structure that still wasn't him. Dean closes his eyes and presses Cas up, so the long line of him is against his belly and the very sensitive underside is a hard nub under Dean’s fingers, and then his tongue. He concentrates there, and Cas’s breath goes slowly ragged above him as he licks in circles, flicks his tongue and then sucks gently, just there, that little bundle of nerves he knows so well. 

It’s not so different. Not from a woman. Not from all the other times with Cas. But he can hear in the way Cas is moaning and coming apart above him that it’s different for Cas, that somehow it makes him (he’s gotta ask how to phrase that, now) more free, quicker to come apart.

“You gonna come for me, sweetheart?” Dean murmurs. “You gonna come for me while I lick your pretty clit?”

“Ah, yes, fuck, Dean,” Cas’s voice breaks, and Dean reaches back and then pauses.

“Can I touch you?” he asks quietly, keeping his voice sultry, keeping Cas’s length pinned tight against his body. “Can I…” he doesn’t know how to say it without pulling them out of the moment.

“Yes...Dean,” Cas breathes, and he bends to reach the bed and fumbles the lube over to Dean. “Not...not inside, okay? Just, pressure. With this.” He taps the lube and then leans his head back again, against the wall.

Dean slicks up his fingers and slides them over Cas’s balls and then against the skin just behind them, over his prostate. “Here?” he asks. “Is this good?”

“Yes, oh, yes, Dean, just - ah - just - yes!”

“Fuck, baby,” Dean murmurs, and it’s suddenly easy, pressing and rubbing there through the slick lube, running his tongue over that sweet nub, sucking gently and flicking it with increasing pressure until Cas’s legs are shaking and he’s whining and his breath is erratic enough he might pass out if he were actually human.

Dean feels it coming so he slows the way he’s working, gentle, easing Cas through it and groaning at the spasms under his tongue. Long lines of come slide down Cas’s stomach until Dean gathers them up and rubs them over Cas’s...clit.

“So wet, baby,” Dean says, licking gently. “So beautiful.”

Cas helps him up off his knees, and his eyes are glazed the way they always are after an orgasm, but there’s something else there - something raw that is an honor to witness. “Thank you,” Cas says again.

“You’re welcome. Thank you...for asking me. I know I’m an idiot but I really want you to feel...comfortable, okay? Should I be calling you something different? Like, is ‘him’ weird?” He feels a flush rise in his face. He really is just fucking terrible at this.

Cas shrugs. “I know it’s how people see me. It’s all right. But you could also say...they? Or her. At times like...this. It depends? It’s hard to explain. I - I really needed that today. I needed to be...seen.”

“I’m glad you asked,” Dean says. He doesn’t get it. Not really. But there’s a lot about Cas he doesn’t get, and he loves all of it. Everything about them is new and different and more perfect than Dean had ever imagined. “I want to...be the person that sees you, okay? I’m sorry I’m so bad at this.” He wants to explain. To say that he learned from porn and there were no angels there, just the mainstream ideas of exaggerated parts and where they went, and it was all pretty straightforward but also sort of narrow, he realizes now. But Cas is right. What happened, how Cas feels - it’s not about Dean. So he shelves all his excuses and hugs Cas tightly.

“You want to lie down?” he asks finally.

Cas nods. “I’ll snuggle you.”

Dean frowns. "I'll snuggle _you._ ”

Cas rolls their eyes. “We can snuggle each other.”

“Deal.”


End file.
